Initially I wanted to start this off by saying something about how “growing up in the 90’s really shaped the way I view my body”—and that’s true—but I think we can plug in any decade and the result would be the same.
I am only going to speak to my own experience as a cis woman, while also acknowledging that mine is one of many different versions of the same equation. Having a body + generational trauma + societal expectations and norms = a wildly complicated relationship with body-image and self-perception.
I have spent the better part of a decade focusing all of my academic and professional brain space on understanding body image and trying to help others navigate one of the most important relationships we will ever have; our relationship with our physical body. Here is where I am at today—I am tired. This topic is exhausting and maddening. At the end of the day our bodies are the least interesting thing about ourselves. I believe that with every fiber of my being and still cannot get out of the negative thought loop sometimes.
Let me take you back in time a bit—the other day I was looking through old journals dating back to middle school days. After reading a few entries I was left feeling so sad for my younger self. Every entry, without fail, mentioned my weight. Some noteworthy quotes:
“I think I weigh more than all friends.”
“[redacted] won’t like me because I am so fat.”
“I weigh 130 lbs. Ew I am so gross and fat.”
“I just want to be skinny.”
I could cry just thinking about 12-year-old me writing those words. And what’s worse is that very similar sentences can be found in my journals from a few years ago. Even now, at the age of very close to 40, I think about my body CONSTANTLY and it is EXHAUSTING. It doesn’t matter how much weight I lose, part of me will always be that 12-year-old—afraid of being judged or rejected. I am SURE most of you can relate to this.
So here is what I am going to do to honor myself today—and I really encourage you to do the same. I am going to write down 10 things I love about myself and my body that have nothing to do with how it looks (unless it’s a nice comment) or the number on a scale.
I am really funny. I was funny when I was 12 too and I wish I knew how powerful that was then.
I love my arms because they allow me to hug my pups a little too tight. They are also a really great canvas for tattoos.
I love my hands because they allow me to do pottery and make mugs for my partner to drink his tea.
I grew up hating my nose. It’s curved and prominent—and you know what—I look like my ancestors and that is SO fucking cool. I am so happy I didn’t change my nose when that was what everyone else was doing.
I am an empath. I care so deeply for other people and I think that that’s a super power.
I am authentic. I don’t know how to be anyone other than myself.
I love my skin. It is so soft and reminds me of my mom’s.
I am willing to be vulnerable and I hope that allows for others to be vulnerable too. I think this is an important skill as a therapist, but also as a friend, partner, daughter, sister, etc.
I have learned how to take really good care of myself.
I am constantly working on being nice to myself—it’s a minute-by-minute practice in challenging core beliefs, but holy hell do I try.
Ok, that’s my list. I would love to see yours. Something else I want to task you with—a thought experiment—find people in the wild with bodies similar to yours. Notice the thoughts you have. I have found that we are often far less critical of everyone else. More often than not I find that I have a positive reaction to people that I think look like me. That tiny shift allows me to be a bit kinder to myself.
In summation, it doesn’t matter that body image is one of my specialties when it comes to therapy. I am still moving through the world in an ever changing body and that shit is hard!
